I was looking right at my best friend, chatting, when two things happened at the same instant. A puff of pink mist erupted from my friend’s upper torso just above his body armor and the single crack of a sniper’s rifle pierced the morning heat. The bullet, entering a relatively inconsequential spot just below his collarbone, traveled a destructive path through his upper torso ricocheting several times off the inside of his Kevlar vest to conduct its fatal business. I sprang into action, ripping off my friend’s vest, trying to find the wounds and stop the bleeding. But there was nothing I could do. It took less than a minute. His last words were “sister…my sister…”

Less than an hour later, My CO was in my face. “You’re lying! This couldn’t have been a single shot from a sniper! They’re not the that good! What were you doing?! Why didn’t you move faster to save my soldier?!”

It was at that moment, I’ll tell you, I knew there was no God.

–Sam

I rejected my family and my faith. I isolated myself, refusing to talk about the details of combat with those I loved the most. Nightmares of war and death haunted me. I gained weight and struggled with my hob. Questions and doubts ravaged my mind. Why did I survive and my men die? Why did they send me there? Why does god allow such terrible wars to happen? Why can’t I feel anything? Ashamed of the man I had become and unable to reconcile war , I reached a breaking point. I had led Americans in the highest battle ever fought; I toiled close-up with battle-hardened Chechens, Uzbeks, and Arabs; I was highly praised and decorated for leadership under fire–yet I anguished in the aftermath of war. As a prisoner of an unseen enemy, I asked myself one more question: How should I kill myself? I realized I was about to lose everything: my marriage, my family, even my life. I had led a daring rescue mission and found myself in dire need of rescuing. I had fought to keep a promise–to never leave a fallen comrade–but who would keep that promise to me?

–Nate Self

Former Captain, U.S. Army